I ran across this quote just a minute ago and knew I needed to write it down, "It takes courage to grow up and become what you really are". I really like this. A whole lot. Maybe it's because I'm not really sure what it is that I am really am. Maybe I'm not grown up at all. When do we really "grow up". I wouldn't say there is a certain event or age that it magically happens. You don't go to bed one night and wake up grown the next morning. I want to have the courage to grow up and become what I really am.
What does this mean to you?!?!?!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Work all day
I would love to say I have something interesting to report to all of you, but I don't. My life is as routine as ever and for the most part I appreciate this. I've been listening to a great book lately, "The Help". I have so enjoyed it. Even at work I find myself putting my head phones back in! This is not a good thing because I have a lot to get done.
I leave on my cruise in less than a month. I'm really excited and can't wait to spend time with Amy. I'm sure we will have tons of fun. How could we not have fun on a cruise. I'm leaving a few days early to head to FL and will be staying with Lindz. I'm excited to see her and her family!
I'm lucky to still have such great friends that have been in my life for what seems like forever.
I'm still uncertain about whether I will have a job or not come this fall but I perfectly calm about this. I have sent lots of applications in, online, and maybe something will work out. I've also applied to nursing school and need to complete my application for Vanderbilt.
Last night during scripture and prayer I became so agitated. Dad read the last verse of 2 Nephi. It states Nephi's attitude, I must obey. Then he said, if only we were like that, "I must obey". I sat right up out of my bed and said how are we not like that. Dad started naming things we didn't do and for everyone one he named I countered with something we did do. I get so frustrated when people make it sound impossible to be a good person.
Maybe I am so hard on myself because I feel like I'll never be good enough. And to me this stems from daddy constantly saying things like he did last night. So I'll never be spiritual enough. Then growing up my mom was obsessed with weight and low and behold, I'm obsessed now too. It probably has nothing to do with them but it might. I guess I shouldn't shift the blame.
2010 has started off even duller than I thought it would. I don't know how I got the notion life is suppose to be exciting but I think it should be. What should I do to liven it up? Please don't say date! I have no control over that and I have decided I am not in the mood this year. Relationships while they last are fun but they all end. And I'm not in the mood for another ending.
Anyways, besides boring, life is good. I'm getting a little better at playing the piano, not much but a little. I've started exercising again and doing my scripture study. I'm working on getting up that mountain.
I leave on my cruise in less than a month. I'm really excited and can't wait to spend time with Amy. I'm sure we will have tons of fun. How could we not have fun on a cruise. I'm leaving a few days early to head to FL and will be staying with Lindz. I'm excited to see her and her family!
I'm lucky to still have such great friends that have been in my life for what seems like forever.
I'm still uncertain about whether I will have a job or not come this fall but I perfectly calm about this. I have sent lots of applications in, online, and maybe something will work out. I've also applied to nursing school and need to complete my application for Vanderbilt.
Last night during scripture and prayer I became so agitated. Dad read the last verse of 2 Nephi. It states Nephi's attitude, I must obey. Then he said, if only we were like that, "I must obey". I sat right up out of my bed and said how are we not like that. Dad started naming things we didn't do and for everyone one he named I countered with something we did do. I get so frustrated when people make it sound impossible to be a good person.
Maybe I am so hard on myself because I feel like I'll never be good enough. And to me this stems from daddy constantly saying things like he did last night. So I'll never be spiritual enough. Then growing up my mom was obsessed with weight and low and behold, I'm obsessed now too. It probably has nothing to do with them but it might. I guess I shouldn't shift the blame.
2010 has started off even duller than I thought it would. I don't know how I got the notion life is suppose to be exciting but I think it should be. What should I do to liven it up? Please don't say date! I have no control over that and I have decided I am not in the mood this year. Relationships while they last are fun but they all end. And I'm not in the mood for another ending.
Anyways, besides boring, life is good. I'm getting a little better at playing the piano, not much but a little. I've started exercising again and doing my scripture study. I'm working on getting up that mountain.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Slipping
I feel like I am slipping.....in a lot of areas in my life. I am having a hard time gripping on to anything. It's like I am trying to make it up this mountain and I can't find my footing. It's neither happy or sad. I'm just me.
I am slipping with my job. I am not as alert or keen as I use to be. I am slacking in so many areas here. I waste time, I am not all that productive. And this is not good. I need to be a better employee. I get the job done but not always with the enthusiasm it deserves.
I am slipping with my scripture study. I am trying to get better at this again! I sometimes lie in my bed knowing I should read my scriptures but then decide not to for no reason at all. I have the time. I just opt out. This is ending now, I hope.
I am slacking when it comes to wanting to look good. I am usually very aware of my weight. I still am! But even with that being said I am aware but lack the motivation to change it. I figure what's the point. I need to start exercising more and eating less.
I'm not as good of a friend as I should be. Or sister or daughter. I can be selfish and I don't like this. I let small things bother me. I get frustrated easily.
Anyways, I guess it's interesting, this thing we call life. We are always learning, always progressing, always working on something. I'm sure it will never be easy, but it's nice when those moments of relief come. I guess I'm partially glad for the blah times because they make the good times so much sweeter. Guess I'll keep climbing this mountain. I know what's at the top, and I hear the view is beautiful.
I am slipping with my job. I am not as alert or keen as I use to be. I am slacking in so many areas here. I waste time, I am not all that productive. And this is not good. I need to be a better employee. I get the job done but not always with the enthusiasm it deserves.
I am slipping with my scripture study. I am trying to get better at this again! I sometimes lie in my bed knowing I should read my scriptures but then decide not to for no reason at all. I have the time. I just opt out. This is ending now, I hope.
I am slacking when it comes to wanting to look good. I am usually very aware of my weight. I still am! But even with that being said I am aware but lack the motivation to change it. I figure what's the point. I need to start exercising more and eating less.
I'm not as good of a friend as I should be. Or sister or daughter. I can be selfish and I don't like this. I let small things bother me. I get frustrated easily.
Anyways, I guess it's interesting, this thing we call life. We are always learning, always progressing, always working on something. I'm sure it will never be easy, but it's nice when those moments of relief come. I guess I'm partially glad for the blah times because they make the good times so much sweeter. Guess I'll keep climbing this mountain. I know what's at the top, and I hear the view is beautiful.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Decisions Decisions
So I happen to be the worst decision maker in the whole entire universe. I seriously hate it. The fact that my favorite color changes weekly says something about my decision making skills. I've decided I am happy being in the Jackson Ward. While I don't know if I "fit" in at least I know there are a few people there that I know love me unconditionally. I have my parents and the mothers of my two best friends. I'm a lucky girl.
I've been back at work this week and I am incredibly grateful to have a job! I'm so blessed with employment right now. I have been looking at jobs other places but I really love life here. I had a dream last night that I moved to NYC and Candice got married immediately after and I was left alone in the city. By the way, her dress was awesome in my dream, so detailed.
I had a crazy spell Monday night and since I have been doing much better. I am feeling very content with life as of now. I need to get better at reading my scriptures again and my temple attendance. I plan to go this Friday night. There is something so soothing about temple attendance.
I'm trying to decide if I am going back to school for the right reasons. I know in my life it won't matter either way. I am really happy with my career now and I am sure I will be happy a career as a nurse practitioner. I consider myself successful now. I just hate the dreaded questions of what are you doing life, who are you dating, etc etc? For a while I think I was going back to school just to avoid the questions. Because if you say you are back in school people are impressed.
I think most of the time we are all just trying to have a meaningful life. Trying to make some kind of difference in this earthly journey. Some do it through motherhood, some through scientific discovery, others through entertainment. So we each try to decide what piece of the puzzle are we. Are we a corner piece, a piece of the outer perimeters or are we one of those that get lost in the middle. Regardless, the puzzle isn't complete if our piece isn't there.
And maybe I've been trying to be the wrong piece for too long. I'm figuring life out, SLOWLY.
There will always be a few constants in my life, my family, my friends, and the role the gospel plays in my life.
I can so frustrated sometimes, even mad. Why doesn't Heavenly Father bless me the way I want. Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things to the good? (The good stuff to the bad irk me the worst) I had a conversation earlier this week and I said something to the effect, I understand the atonement and forgiveness but I get so tired of seeing people who had the gospel, decided to leave it to "live" in the world, then return get the blessings I want. I was told by a friend in much more eloquent words than this that the difference between me and these "people" is infinitely less than the difference in me and the Savior. Good point.
I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to figure me out, and I'll probably need help along the way. I need to learn to be happy for people, truly happy for them. Jealousy is not a reason not to be happy for people! Jealousy is a form of greed and I am trying to let it go. Be patient with me. Renee, I will probably still get mad at you way too often during your pregnancy! But I'm trying.
I said I had no New Years resolutions, I just changed my mind (I do it all the time)! I'm going to learn to be happy for others regardless of their or my own circumstances.
I've been back at work this week and I am incredibly grateful to have a job! I'm so blessed with employment right now. I have been looking at jobs other places but I really love life here. I had a dream last night that I moved to NYC and Candice got married immediately after and I was left alone in the city. By the way, her dress was awesome in my dream, so detailed.
I had a crazy spell Monday night and since I have been doing much better. I am feeling very content with life as of now. I need to get better at reading my scriptures again and my temple attendance. I plan to go this Friday night. There is something so soothing about temple attendance.
I'm trying to decide if I am going back to school for the right reasons. I know in my life it won't matter either way. I am really happy with my career now and I am sure I will be happy a career as a nurse practitioner. I consider myself successful now. I just hate the dreaded questions of what are you doing life, who are you dating, etc etc? For a while I think I was going back to school just to avoid the questions. Because if you say you are back in school people are impressed.
I think most of the time we are all just trying to have a meaningful life. Trying to make some kind of difference in this earthly journey. Some do it through motherhood, some through scientific discovery, others through entertainment. So we each try to decide what piece of the puzzle are we. Are we a corner piece, a piece of the outer perimeters or are we one of those that get lost in the middle. Regardless, the puzzle isn't complete if our piece isn't there.
And maybe I've been trying to be the wrong piece for too long. I'm figuring life out, SLOWLY.
There will always be a few constants in my life, my family, my friends, and the role the gospel plays in my life.
I can so frustrated sometimes, even mad. Why doesn't Heavenly Father bless me the way I want. Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things to the good? (The good stuff to the bad irk me the worst) I had a conversation earlier this week and I said something to the effect, I understand the atonement and forgiveness but I get so tired of seeing people who had the gospel, decided to leave it to "live" in the world, then return get the blessings I want. I was told by a friend in much more eloquent words than this that the difference between me and these "people" is infinitely less than the difference in me and the Savior. Good point.
I'm going to be a better person. I'm going to figure me out, and I'll probably need help along the way. I need to learn to be happy for people, truly happy for them. Jealousy is not a reason not to be happy for people! Jealousy is a form of greed and I am trying to let it go. Be patient with me. Renee, I will probably still get mad at you way too often during your pregnancy! But I'm trying.
I said I had no New Years resolutions, I just changed my mind (I do it all the time)! I'm going to learn to be happy for others regardless of their or my own circumstances.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Neither here nor there
So I got up as always today got ready for church and off I was. I walk in and I realize, oh my, I feel so lost. I'm back in the Jackson Ward and I felt so alone today. It made me realize I don't fit into the branch anymore but I also don't fit into the Jackson ward. I'm somewhere in limbo. It's no surprise to me that so many single adults in our church go inactive. Not that I will, I have a very firm testimony but I can understand. It's hard not really fitting in anywhere. I'm beginning to wonder if I made a rash decision when I chose to leave the branch. Was coming back to Jackson a mistake? Who knows, but I guess I will try it out.
I hope I can figure life out! I truly do. I figure the reason I failed my goals this year is because I didn't allign them to the Lord's will. I pray that in 2010 I will find His will and live it. I figure we all have the same end goal and we are each just trying to accomplish it. And in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter if I fit in or not.
I hope I can figure life out! I truly do. I figure the reason I failed my goals this year is because I didn't allign them to the Lord's will. I pray that in 2010 I will find His will and live it. I figure we all have the same end goal and we are each just trying to accomplish it. And in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter if I fit in or not.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
A Decade of Good and Bad Times
I was getting ready to title this post, A Decade come and gone, and while writing it Ginny said, A Decade of Happiness. So I decided to combine the two titles and came up with the above. Ten years ago today I was getting ready to go back to my second semester of college. I am almost positive that I thought I was completely grown up. I probably knew everything, my mother still thinks that I am this way. It was good times. Now, 10 years later, a decade past, I am sitting on my parents couch knowing less today about the direction of my life than I did all those years ago.
As I said in my last post, I failed when it came to my goal. But I put a lot into it. I dated this year and I enjoyed it. I live by, never regret something that once made you smile and I smiled a lot this past year. I have absolutely no prospects for 2010 but I am okay with that. Because I'm thinking I have to figure out "ME" first before I can figure out anything else. I can't even tell you exactly what I like in someone else.
This decade has brought a lot of self discovery. I am in a very different place than I imagined myself being at this point. I was that girl who at this point was suppose to have at least 4 kids. Ha, funny huh. But here I am. A career woman, though I still don't think of myself this way. I have had some great times. I would like to believe I am a better person today than I was then.
My testimony has been grown. I have been able to get a Master's degree, not that this makes me any smarter.
I guess this makes me think where I will be this time next year or this time next decade? I'm hoping 10 years from now I won't be sitting on my parents couch unless it's because I'm visiting for the holidays. Thirty-eight might be too old to live with the parentals. I start some night classes in 2 weeks. I'm not sure if it is right or not. But I figure it can't hurt me to take these classes. It'll put me out almost $2,ooo but education can never be a bad investment. Also, whenever Candice comes to visit I start applying for jobs in NYC. Maybe they will call me back.
For some reason the thought of leaving TN scares me. But staying here scares me too. I just want to make the right decisions. I want to put myself in situations where I can progress and meet people.
I'm in an area with very few singles. But it I went to an area with a lot of singles that definitely doesn't guarantee I would date any more. I know that at some point the right person will come along. So I guess I'll just keep living the best I can. If I'm suppose to go to NYC then a job will present itself. If I am suppose to go back to school this will continue to work.
I'm grateful for the lesson's the last 10 years have presented me with. This past decade was my start of adulthood. I look forward to seeing what this next decade has to present. Let the good times begin in 2010.
As I said in my last post, I failed when it came to my goal. But I put a lot into it. I dated this year and I enjoyed it. I live by, never regret something that once made you smile and I smiled a lot this past year. I have absolutely no prospects for 2010 but I am okay with that. Because I'm thinking I have to figure out "ME" first before I can figure out anything else. I can't even tell you exactly what I like in someone else.
This decade has brought a lot of self discovery. I am in a very different place than I imagined myself being at this point. I was that girl who at this point was suppose to have at least 4 kids. Ha, funny huh. But here I am. A career woman, though I still don't think of myself this way. I have had some great times. I would like to believe I am a better person today than I was then.
My testimony has been grown. I have been able to get a Master's degree, not that this makes me any smarter.
I guess this makes me think where I will be this time next year or this time next decade? I'm hoping 10 years from now I won't be sitting on my parents couch unless it's because I'm visiting for the holidays. Thirty-eight might be too old to live with the parentals. I start some night classes in 2 weeks. I'm not sure if it is right or not. But I figure it can't hurt me to take these classes. It'll put me out almost $2,ooo but education can never be a bad investment. Also, whenever Candice comes to visit I start applying for jobs in NYC. Maybe they will call me back.
For some reason the thought of leaving TN scares me. But staying here scares me too. I just want to make the right decisions. I want to put myself in situations where I can progress and meet people.
I'm in an area with very few singles. But it I went to an area with a lot of singles that definitely doesn't guarantee I would date any more. I know that at some point the right person will come along. So I guess I'll just keep living the best I can. If I'm suppose to go to NYC then a job will present itself. If I am suppose to go back to school this will continue to work.
I'm grateful for the lesson's the last 10 years have presented me with. This past decade was my start of adulthood. I look forward to seeing what this next decade has to present. Let the good times begin in 2010.
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