Defeated.....I surrender

I have been defeated.....and I gracefully surrender. My goal for 2009 was not accomplished. Did I put my all into it, I would like to think I went in strong, put in a good fight, but in the end got a little worn down.

I have big issues with liking the wrong boys, AKA; boys that don't like me. And I like them even more if they are already in a relationship. What is my problem?

I've also decided I'm not even the same person that I was last year. I've changed, some for the good, some not so good. I'm still not exactly sure what I am suppose to be learning during certain trials but I am trying to learn. On the up side, I think I am a more positive person than I was last year. On the down side, I've also come to care way too much what certain people think and I have linked my self-esteem to it.

I've had a very love hate relationship with my body. I've had weeks were I eat a maximum of 800 calories a day and weeks where I've eaten at least 3000 calories a day. My weight has fluctuated within 15 pounds and I exercise less (very bad of me).

I've been on the end of a relationship that I wanted it more then he did and on the exact opposite end of a relationship. Both, ended. I've struggled with what I could have done differently and telling myself, life works out the way it's suppose to.

I've been happier this year than I remember in the past, yet I've felt sadder than I have in a long time.

I've learned that just because someone says they are your friend doesn't mean that they are. I've been through a lot of social circles this year. Maybe it's like I'm dating friends. Some have choosen not to hang out with me while I have choosen to see some less frequently.

I've told a guy exactly how I feel about him and him not feel the same way back. Ouch, but I was having a fearless heart.

I'm still trying to learn to love me just the way that I am. Trying to understand what I am suppose to be doing in this world and be happy along the journey. I know that this year has not ended and I still have a few months to experience 2009 but I'm holding up my white flag. I'm surrendering this year. But 2010 better be ready for me.