Mommyhood

Some days I rock motherhood, like I really rock it. Three hot nutritious yummy meals, story time, play time, you name it, I am mom of the year. Then some days I suck it up. I forget to feed madelynn, Elijah is eating bread for lunch, we watch tv, they yell at me, I do my best not to get upset. I guess the point is, I'm trying. I'm trying to be the best mom and wife possible. I have my good and bad days,  I'm human. 

There are times I think, I'm ready to have baby #3, go ahead and get it done. There are other days that I think that's craziness. Like today I'm pretty much rocking mommyhood. I took the kids to the library, we went to the store but then it started raining and both kids needed me to carry them. Then I panicked, if I had baby #3 I couldn't carry them all. And Elijah is so little still. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this one is. I love being a mom. Elijah is the coolest kid ever and Maddie is following in his footsteps. They make me feel so happy and they love me unconditionally and forgive all my mommy mistakes. Maybe it's true, the best things in life can also be the hardest. I'm so grateful that almost 2 years ago we were able to welcome Elijah into our family. I'm amazed at him every day. And just 8 months ago we added Madelynn and she is growing so fast and learning so much. She has recently really found her voice and has learned the highest pitch scream when she isn't getting her way. It's super annoying but it's fun to see her discover things. 

Busy busy

Life has been a little busy lately with the move and what not. For 2 months Brent commuted to Paris, Tn an hour and 45 minutes each way. His drive and being away from us such long hours made us pretty motivated to find a house in Paris. I've looked forward to home ownership for awhile and was excited for the hunt. That was, until we actually started looking. We left so many times discouraged and didn't know if we would ever find a place. We finally decided to buy a house we saw the first time we looked. It matched what we were looking for better than any of the others. I still don't like the outside so much but the inside is nice.  We moved in a little over a week ago and are basically unpacked and it's starting to feel like home. I'm anxious to get to know people in the Paris area and make a few friends. 

Brent is really enjoying his job and while when we moved here he said 3-5 years he is now saying 5-10. 

I'm doing the same ole same ole and taking care of this sweet babies who are occasional terrors. I couldn't be more blessed. I've kept busy unpacking and cleaning. The house we bought is hardwood throughout and I hate sweeping but I'll adjust. 

Elijah had tubes in his years earlier this month and we hope he stops getting so many ear infections. We put him in a big boy bed last night and things went well until he fell out around 1. So he ended up in the crib. 

Madelynn, is growing so fast. She has started crawling and loves playing with her big brother. He likes to hold her and she generally loves it. We recently let her cry it out and it worked and we were so happy. But then this week she has been waking up at night again. We need Elijah to move out of the crib so she can move into it. 

Those are short updates on what we've been up to. I really need to be a better blogger but I'm too busy trying to be an awesome mommy. 

Here's the thing

I know it shouldn't matter but ever since I had Elijah and had to have a csection I've felt kinda bad about it. I try to say it doesn't matter because he's here and in the big scheme of things that is exactly how I feel. 

But here lately I feel like it has come up a lot. Yesterday we took him to an ENT doctor where it was determined if needed tubes in his ears. Poor little guy has had so many ear infections which I already think is in part because I didn't breast feed him. Anyways. At the dr they at starts asking questions. Was he breast fed, no (though what I really wanted to say is how is that relevant to his ears) and the next question did he have an uncomplicated birth. I answered yes and he said, so he was born vaginally. And I again I had to say, he was a csection. 

Another time it has come up is when I was with a group of moms and they were talking about delivery and they were like, well, you know how it is. Nope, I don't. I don't deliver babies, I have babies unnaturally cut from me. 

10 things I would tell my 16 year old self

1) Get over it! Seriously, life is hard and it's wonderful. But if you can't see tomorrow through today then you are doing it all wrong. 

2) Family is the most important thing ever. I know sometimes your brothers and sisters will drive you crazy, guess what, that never changes even at 32 they can annoy you but they are also your best friends, your biggest supporters, and will always be there for you. 

3)Stop obsessing over you so much and get out there and serve those around you!

4) If given the chance to travel, do it! I wanted to go to BYU Hawaii but I didn't because I couldn't afford it. I was also invited to Brazil and didn't go because of money. In reality, I should have prioritized and went. 

5) Don't ever put off an apology and make sure you say you're sorry. Pride is hard and no one likes to be wrong, but everyone benefits from a heartfelt apology. 

6) Be active and ear right but don't obsess over weight. You are beautiful and created perfectly by a loving Heavenly Father. Take care of the body He gave you. 

7) Peer pressure is real and it's hard to say no. So the best thing to do is to keep yourself out of situations you'll have to say no to. Hang out with good friends (for the most part my friends were awesome). Listen to that inner voice, aka the Holy Ghost. 

8) Your Heavenly Father loves you infinitely! He loves you so much that he gave you earthy parents to help you out. Show some respect. They are really great people and those rules are there to help you not to hinder you. 

9) Education is important. Study hard and it'll pay off. 

10) Make goals and then make them happen. You'll never regret accomplishing something you put your mind to. Small goals are fine. You won't meet all your goals but you'll accomplish a lot. 

And 11, even though I said 10 things. Don't worry, you'll get married one day and have your own family so enjoy where you are now. And when you're 25 keep remembering this. Heavenly Father's plan is way bigger than ours so let Him take control and all things will work out

Self Love and Self Hate

As a woman, or maybe it is just me, I have an internal conflict about whether I like me or not. It's true, some days I don't. There are some days I'm not pretty enough, not a good enough wife, not a good enough mother, not nice, and I'm sure the list goes on. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, a whole lot. Why don't I like me. Then I realized that one of Satan's greatest tools is having us not like ourselves.
I don't like the weight I've put on and I am constantly disgusted when I look at it in the mirror. I have no clothes that fit and refuse to buy fat clothes. It makes me sad and makes me feel no good. But then recently I decided to stop the self hate and start to self love. Because really, I am a good person. So when I look in the mirror and I see all the extra pounds, I try to push the, "Yuck, I'm so gross" out and think, "This body has carried 2 babies! This body has been so good to me". Yea, it may sound weird but I really do have a lot of conversations with myself.
This doesn't mean that I don't need to lose weight, I do. But I'm not looking at it as weight anymore. Heck, I may always be fat but I will also be healthy. I will exercise even when it's hard. Even when I'm too tired from the day! I will go and I will be glad that I did. I can control what goes in my body. And on occasion, I will eat bad but then I will do better. I no longer care, as much because this is something I have to work on, what exactly I look like but I do care if I am going to be healthy enough to play with my babies, to chase them, to keep up with them. And the answer is yes! I will be healthy, I will do all that is in my power to live a long life so that I can be with them. I won't self hate anymore. My kids think I'm the most wonderful beautiful loving woman in the world. And I won't have them believe differently. I will live up to their thoughts. I will be great!
So I will stop mourning my "old body" and love the one that I have. Because lets be honest, I have two awesome kids and a husband that tells me everyday how beautiful and sexy I am. So what else matters.