I want it

*Disclaimer- When writing this I was in an upbeat mood. Please note I in no way am feeling sorry for myself. I didn't write this depressingly so don't read it that way.
This past Sunday at church a couple blessed their baby girl. And when they did it made me realize how much I really want to be a mom. And how I really do have a hard time when young girls get pregnant because I don't think it's fair. I know life isn't fair. And I know we don't always get what we want but man do I want this! I know there are still plenty of years for me to have kids I just feel so far away from it. Before I can find kids I have to get married. Before I get married I need to be in a relationship with someone and before that I need to be asked on a date.
I'm generally a confident person but this year I am not. I don't like myself very much. I don't like my looks, I usually have a bad attitude. Neither of those two things makes getting a date easy. At the end of last year I took part in the single's branch STOMP, Single's Taking On Moroni's Promise, and read the Book of Mormon in 90 days. Not only did I read it but I studied it. I spent most of my free time reading in the afternoon. I went to the temple almost every week during this time. I was as intuned as I had ever been. And while my goals were the same then as now, I felt peace.
Then I lost a little focus. I started reading my scriptures less, I prayed less often, I didn't have as much time for the temple. And I felt a drastic difference. Amazing how a few short weeks can change everything. I am trying to get better at this again. I am reading everyday again, not the way I was during STOMP, but I am reading. I'm trying to go to the temple more often. Maybe not weekly but if I'm going to Memphis I will try to go. Because I want that peace back. I want to be happy and the only way I can do that is by living my life in a way conducive to the Spirit.
I'm not really sure what my future does or does not hold but I am positive that Heavenly Father knows and loves me perfectly. He has a plan for me. So I'll keep trying to have hope. I'll keep my eye on the big picture, returning to live with Him.
I know I ramble a lot. Writing is very therapeutic for me. There are some things that I want to write but don't even know how to begin to express them. I know what I need to change, I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to do it.