Down? Me, Maybe. It's a possibility!

I think we are really hard on ourselves. I hear people say we are our own biggest critic but why can't we be our own biggest fan? I am definitely very self critical. I can find my faults faster than anyone. I know some of you think that I'm a very confident person and I can be but mostly this is a facade. I fake confidence and to be quite honest I'm a bit tired at this point so I don't know if I can keep it up.
I often say to myself, and sometimes out loud, so this is life? And yes I answer myself, yep this is it, and then proceed to give my self that little pep talk that I need at the moment. I always say, life is good, except for when it's not.
There are a lot of areas I can improve on. I need to be a better person! I'm working on it. But I can only do so much and I've just been feeling down. I know that all this self doubt is from Satan and is one of his biggest tools. He's constantly trying to make us feel inadequate and right now it's working. I was told yesterday at church that I looked empty. Then they quickly came back with, you always look happy and are smiling but your eyes look empty, like something is missing. And something is missing and I don't know how to fix it.
During my, little why do I feel inadequate, thoughts I realize that one thing I'm constantly down on myself for is my looks. I know I'm a pretty smart person and I'm living a righteous lifestyle but I just can't seem to like the way I look. I hate my size, my freckles, my smile, and other things. I feel like I'm healthy. I don't eat tons, I exercise, I make healthy decisions and yet I'm still fat. Yep, I said it, I feel fat! I don't want to be one those people obsessed with it but I kinda am. I read labels like it's no ones business. If I eat something I know I shouldn't I feel so guilty.
Why do we have such unhealthy relationships with our bodies? I partially blame men. Like last night I was at my friend Julie's apartment. Julie is a small girl, super thin. But her and her friend Morgan (a guy) were talking and they were talking about arm flab and then he was telling her she needs to gain a few pounds around her stomach/waist which could be taken away from her inner thighs?!?! I was thinking about this on the way home and I was like really, here I was sitting there probably weighing close to twice Julies weight and well, once again I realized I fall short. I've always had really thin friends. Candice and Lindsay are both thin. Then my current friends, Ernie and Julie and both thin.
So I've had this discussion with both Candice and my friend Laura. Laura use to be bigger but got sick and lost a lot of weight. I mean a lot, like 10+ sizes. It wasn't a healthy way to do it and she would gladly be big again instead of sick but still she's now thin. Laura got married this year. And it lead me to an even firmer conviction that men are shallow and weight matters a lot. Would Laura have gotten married if she was still fat? I know Candice and Laura both say it doesn't matter but maybe that's easy to say when you are a size 2. I will never be a size 2, ever and I don't want to be.
Anyways, I'm rambling, again. With this being said I have been really blessed in my life and I am very aware of this. I have had the gospel my entire life! I've been sealed to my family; and can't wait to spend eternity with them. I have pretty good health. I have a job that I enjoy and that pays enough to get me by. My friends are better than most people's and I have an abundance of them. So yes I am aware of my blessings.
I'm hoping with my STOMP, Sandra Taking On Moroni's Promise, I get this "miracle" that was promised. And I'm not looking for something huge. It's not like I think Mr. Hot, Rich, Successful will walk through the door and we will fall madly in love (though I'll take that too) but maybe my miracle will be peace and comfort. I'll take that!