Happy Birthday Madelynn, love Mimi and Grandpa

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Happy 4^th Birthday to our Miss Madelynn!

Maddie, I need to tell you something…we love you!  When we skype with you each week, you often stick your face close to the screen, get a big smile on your face with dancing eyes and you say, “Mimi and Grandpa, I need to tell you something!”  We love to hear your stories and adventures.

Just last week you proudly told us that as a new Sunbeam you were passing off the Articles of Faith.  We were so pleased to hear you recite the first one word perfect!  Then you went on to the second one, “We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adamson’s transgressions.”  You were so proud of yourself and we had to stifle a chuckle.  That is the cutest thing we have ever heard!  When you are older, you will realize how cute it is but for now, let us say that we just love how hard you are trying to learn and live the gospel.

You amaze us with your skills in putting puzzles together and knowing all your ABCs and learning how to sound out words. We think it is wonderful that you love art and have such a great imagination!  We especially are excited that you are taking dancing lessons and loving that too.  We know you are a very special spirit sent to our family to add lots of fun and love to our lives.

We were so happy that you and your family were able to drive out to California last summer (2016).  We had so much fun together.  We celebrated the 4^th of July with a barbecue and fireworks.  But one of our favorite things to do with you is our campfire time!  We all love to roast marshmallows and make s’mores.  We were glad that your Daddy got to do that with us before he had to fly home to Tennessee.  My favorite times with you included getting to read stories and playing Candy Land Bingo.  You quickly learned how to play dominoes with me, too.  Grandpa and I were so amazed at how quickly you learn things.  You are a very smart girl!

The next 2 weeks were filled with all kinds of fun. You, Elijah, and Nolan had fun playing in the swimming pool.  I can still hear you yell, “Cannonball” as you all made big splashes. You loved to play with the water table or eat lunch on the new picnic table you helped Grandpa assemble.  You rode your cars around the yard. You drew chalk pictures on the sidewalk.  We also pretended to be detectives and we had fun with play-doh and painting. We kept busy!

For my birthday on July 11^th, we went to the beach!  That is always so much fun.

Grandpa, Mimi, Mommy, and Uncle Bryant got to take you 3 kids over to Manresa beach.  You had fun in the ocean but you really liked digging and playing in the sand and eating yummy snacks! 

Mimi’s birthday wasn’t the only birthday we celebrated.  You helped your Mommy celebrate her birthday with a Paw Patrol Party.  We played games, barbecued chicken, ate birthday cake, and gave Mommy some special cards you had made.  It was so much fun!  A couple of days later, we even celebrated Nolan’s birthday a little early and gave him a toy horse that you of course loved!

Speaking of horses, you came with us to Stout Farms for the ward barbecue.  You got to ride a horse again!  You would have ridden him all day long but we convinced you to come and play some of the other games.

Whenever you come to visit, we just love to spend time with you.  We love to go to church together!  You live so far away so when we are together, the time is very special to us. But it always goes by so fast.  Before we knew it, you had to leave to go to Boise to visit your Eaton cousins.  But we were happy that we were going to see you later in Utah as we all gathered for your new cousin, Kasette's baby blessing. 

Our whole family was able to get together. Grandpa and I especially enjoyed going to Temple Square with you.  You were so reverent as we sat and looked at the statue of Jesus.  Finally, you asked Aunt Julie when Jesus was going to talk to us.  Julie tried to explain that this was a statue and not the real Jesus.  You said you could still tell He loved you.  That was so sweet!

We had to say goodbye to you and your family again as you headed home to Paris, Tennessee. On the way home you got to stop and see Mt. Rushmore, Winter Quarters, and Nauvoo.  You had a pretty fun trip but I think you were all glad to get home.  You had been gone for a month!

Because I retired from teaching school, Grandpa and I were able to drive to Tennessee to visit you in October 2016.  We loved watching you ride bikes, jump on the trampoline, collect acorns, play at the park, and have another camp fire where we made s’mores! 

It was really fun to go to the Safari Park and feed the wild animals.  It was a little scary when the ostriches put their heads inside the car!  And we really weren’t sure about feeding that big old giraffe!

Later that week, we had fun at your Nana and Poppa’s at the family barbecue and hay ride.  We also got to go see your school and your classroom.  But then we had to say good bye again. 

But we can’t wait to see you when you come visit us this summer in California!!

Happy Birthday,

  Madelynn!

              Love,

Mimi, Grandpa, &
Uncle Bryant

     February 2017          

Silent Battles

I've been thinking a lot lately about the quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I don't know what is harder, fighting the silent battles or fighting the ones that everyone sees. Oftentimes I feel like I'm not suppose to be sad right now. That it isn't okay to break down and cry. I even think it's ridiculous how sad I am about it all. I mean seriously, I have been blessed so much. So the fact I'm feeling so sad makes me feel like I am being ungrateful.
Today I went to my last dr's appointment for the ectopic pregnancy. I left in tears. I had already had an appointment scheduled today to see my dr when I thought it was going to just be a pregnancy appointment. So going and not discussing prenatals etc just made me sad.
But when you see me or talk to me, I'll smile. I'll say all is well. And I do half believe that. The other half just wants to cry.... a lot. So instead I've turned to eating crap which makes me even sadder when I step on the scale and spending money which makes me sick when I see the credit card statement.
So I know everyone has their issues they are dealing with. And we all need to be kind and loving and nonjudgmental. And be really careful with what we say to one another. A careless sentence can really hurt.
I'll stop babbling. I only write because it's really therapeutic to me. Not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. 

Happy Birthday Elijah, Love mimi and grandpa

Happy 5^th Birthday, Elijah!

It’s really hard for Grandpa and me to believe that you are 5 years old now!  You have added a lot of joy to our lives over the past 5 years.  We have felt blessed this year that we have seen you 3 different times.  Soon after your 4^th birthday, your family packed up and flew out to California for Christmas.  We were very excited for you to come.

You arrived on December 23, 2015 and helped us decorate a little Christmas tree.  Christmas Eve was so fun.  You baked cookies with Aunt Julie to leave out for Santa.  You met your California cousins, Hana, Fiore, and Blume Boatman along with their dog, Buddy.  All 6 of you, kids dressed up to act out the Christmas story.  You played Joseph and did such a great job. Christmas morning you discovered that Santa had left you a Millennium Falcon from Star Wars.  You were pretty excited.  You loved all the presents you got.  But you really giggled when you gave me a funny present…a Fart Blaster!  What?

You were able to stay a week at Christmas and we had fun.  We sang Christmas carols, made a Gingerbread house, and played Pie Face. You did not want to play because you might get whip cream in the face! We went out to our friends’ house at Stout Farms and you and Maddie got to ride horses. You loved it!  We also went to Auburn to visit Grandma and Grandpa Adamson.  You helped them pick lemons from their tree.  You also got to go see Star Wars at the theater while Mimi babysat Maddie and Nolan. Uncle Bryant gave you some lessons on shooting his 22 rifle and you hit the target! You loved to take walks with Grandpa through the orchards. Before we knew it, it was New Year’s Eve.  You helped us celebrate with a fun dinner and New Year’s Eve toasts!  Then it was time for bed and you flew home to Tennessee the next day.

We loved skyping with you and your family each Sunday during the year but we were very excited when you drove out to California in July to visit us for 2 weeks.  We packed a lot of fun into that visit.  We had campfires and made s’mores.  We had a barbecue and fireworks for the 4^th of July. We went to the Ward barbecue where you got to ride horses again and play games and swim. We celebrated Mimi’s birthday, your Mommy’s birthday, and Nolan’s birthday! We went to the beach and Uncle Bryant helped you boogie board for the first time. I loved reading books to you as well as playing games, painting treasure maps, being detectives and solving mysteries.

After you went to Boise, Idaho to visit your Eaton cousins, we met up with you in Provo, Utah for your cousin Kasette’s baby blessing on July 24, 2016.  We especially enjoyed going to Temple Square with you and your family.  You really enjoyed learning about the pioneers. You have always been a boy who likes to learn about the gospel.  You loved sitting and looking at the statue of Jesus in the Visitor’s Center. Before we knew it, we were kissing and hugging you good bye again as you headed on home to Tennessee.  Along the way home, you got to visit Mt. Rushmore, Winter’s Quarters, and Nauvoo.  You loved it all.

Your Mimi retired from teaching school so Grandpa and I were able to drive to Tennessee to visit you during your school break in October. It was fun to spend a week with you.  We had a campfire and made s’mores (we really like that, don’t we?).  We gathered acorns and watched you on your trampoline.  You rode your bikes and ran around the yard like crazy! I loved going to your Karate class and watching you learn from your Sensei.

Our most fun time I think was at the Safari Park.  We fed those crazy animals!  It was kind of scary when those ostriches put their big heads in the window to try to steal more food!  Remember when the camel grabbed the bucket of food right out of Grandpa’s hands and gulped all of the food right down? We were also kind of brave and fed carrots to the giraffe.  Yuck! He licked my fingers!  Ha ha!

We loved going out to dinner so we could have some of those famous Chips and Cheese that you kids all love!  But we really had a great time at your Nana and Poppa’s house.  They had dinner for us and then Poppa gave us all a hayride through his fields.  That was super fun!  We loved seeing your school and your classroom but we hated saying goodbye again.  We live too far away from each other.

You are a wonderful boy, Elijah!  You are silly sometimes but I love your imagination.  I love that you are learning the gospel and singing Primary songs.  I’m glad that you have friends and cousins to play with.  We love your hugs and kisses.  You have brought so much happiness to Grandpa and me.

Have a very Happy 5^th Birthday! 

May the Force be with you!

                                                                                                    

 Love,

Mimi & Grandpa Adamson

Nov. 30, 2016

Happy Birthday Elijah

I am constantly in awe that I was blessed to your mom. It's hard to believe it's been 5 years since your daddy handed you to me and I was officially a mom. You have brought me more joy than I ever imagined. You've also caused more frustration than I ever thought possible from such a small person. Lately, you've been such a little stink! You have a smart mouth and love to aggravate. I'm going to be honest in these letters each year. I won't lie and pretend you're always an angel. With that being said, you do have some very sweet qualities. You still ask me to cuddle you and to hold you. You say the sweetest things. A couple months ago we had the misfortune to lose a baby in my tummy. I was so sad and you were too. You finally looked at me and said, I know why our baby had to die. Then you said because it wanted to wait and come with our other baby next time. I like hearing your logic. And when I was the saddest, you tried so hard to cheer me up. I love that about you!
You go to school everyday and you really love your teacher, Ms. Kim. She is so nice and you say pretty. You've made some really good friends too. Madelynn goes 2x a week with you. I love that you take care of her at school. On her first day she started crying at lunch so you went and said, there there, you are okay. School is fun. Ms. Kim said you always help Madelynn when she is sad. I imagine you'll always be a good big brother and protect all your younger siblings. We also bring home a little boy in your class 3 days a week who has down syndrome. You are so good with him and gentle. So while you are a stink, you are a tender little stink.
I love you so much Elijah. I couldn't imagine my world without you. You bring so much happiness to my world. You are so smart and ask a billion questions. Sometimes I don't know the answer to them but we look them up together. I've loved watching you grow and learn the past few years, I look forward to watching you learn and grow the rest of my life.
Heavenly Father knew to send you first because you are the best big brother in the world. He knew that you would forgive me for all the mommy mistakes I make. He knew you would patiently help me to navigate mother.
Always know that I am here for you. No matter what, I am your mother. I want what is best for you. I will fight silent battles with you. And I will fight the loud ones too.  I will be by your side. Your father and I take it seriously that we are to teach you all you need to know on the earth to return to your Heavenly Father. I want us to be an eternal family. You won't always like the lessons you have to learn. I hate to say it, but life is hard and has a lot of setbacks. But we are here to help you overcome all of them. We are here to push, or pull you, forward when you need it. And I know you'll do the same for us. And when you are sad, I'll dry your tears the same way you've recently dried mine.
I wish words could convey love. Because I love you so big.
Love your mommy.

According to you:
You currently want to be an army man.
Your favorite color is red and green.
Your favorite show is star wars.
Your favorite game is operation
Your favorite toy is darth vader bear.
Your favorite boy is star wars rebel.
You are really good at running
Your best friend is Elise.
You want to vacation to England.
Favorite ice cream is chocolate.
Your wish is to fly.
Your hero is superman.
Your favorite thing to do with your friends is to play pirates.
Your favorite holiday is Christmas.
Your favorite person in the whole world is mommy.
Your favorite TV show is Star Wars Clone wars.
Your favorite song is A Long time Ago (I know that my Savior loves me). 
 If you had $1000 you would be a star wars bike.

Sad day

Brent and I have been planning baby # 4 since last winter. We decided this summer/fall we would start trying for another little person. I decided this time I would have my body in better shape. I'd start taking all the prenatal vitamins 6 months in advance. I lost the weight from the previous 3 pregnancies, I started working out regularly. I was ready for this! I had figured if I had a May baby I would have all my kids birthdays spaced 3 months apart during the year. I was sad when it came and it went that I wouldn't have my May baby. Then I got the positive test and it would be June 3rd. And since I have c-sections, it'd be born the end of May. 

It felt pretty unreal when the test came back positive. I was a little skeptical and even more excited. When I told Brent, I said it with caution and said, though it may not work out. Then a week passed and I was still pregnant and felt better about it. Then a few weeks passed and I was confident in this baby. I was picking names and mentally decorating the nursery. 

Brent's parents came to visit and while they were here we were getting together with all my family. We thought we may let the families know that day, that day is today. But today we shared different news, not joyful news. 

I made the best pregnancy announcements ever. I had them in my online basket at Walmart to pick up in one hour  Thursday afternoon. Then I went to the bathroom. Bright red blood was streaked in my pants. It wasn't a huge amount so I decided not to worry about it. Then I went back to the bathroom and there was more. I texted Brent and went about my afternoon. My inlaws are here and I'm in the business of making visits enjoyable. But my heart was worried. I wanted this baby so bad. 

My dr's office was closed so I decided to wait and call in the morning. If it was a miscarriage there isn't anything to do at this point.  I slept anxiously waking up every few hours and going to the bathroom. 

Brent told his parents what was going on since I'd be going to the dr in jackson the next morning. I called and they said instead of coming in I should just go to the ER. I thought how ridiculous. I just want it confirmed so I can go be sad in my own bed. They didn't have an ultrasound tech in the office that day. I debated whether to go but decided I would. I went in and the 1st thing they did was try to listen to a heartbeat with a Doppler. There was no sound, at least not a baby heart beat. I feel the tears pooling but don't cry. The nurse assures me it's just too early to hear with a Doppler. They say they need a urine sample, then they come and take 4 vials of blood. Then I wait. It's freezing and the nurse brings me heated blankets. But for 1.5 hours I'm alone in my thoughts. They check in once and say the ultrasound shouldn't be too much longer but then I'm alone again. Brent had offered to leave the office, he had almost insisted on it but what could he do at this point. I told him to stay. 

The ultrasound tech finally comes to get me. They try a regular ultrasound and again I'm assured that at this early in pregnancy, 7 weeks, that it's normal not to see anything so they do a transvaginal ultrasound. I lay there completely uncomfortable and can't believe this is all happening. There were 2 techs in the room and they go get a 3rd. They finish up and I go back to my room. It was all perfect timing because as I waited for the dr to come tell me the inevitable, brent arrives. 

The dr comes in and says the baby is implanted in my tube close to my right ovary. And that he needed to call the oncall OB to see how to proceed. So I'm processing at this time that I have an eptopic pregnancy and start searching madly online if there is any chance this could be okay. I knew there wasn't but I had one last little bit of hope. When the dr came back in he said the recommendation for now was to get a shot of methotrexate to abort the baby. They say it's good it's caught early. If I wait it could burst inside my Fallopian tube and cause internal bleeding. I could have to have surgery, I could get seriously sick. I'm grateful brent is sitting beside me the entire time. We proceed and say yes to the shots. We wait a while longer and the nurse comes in. She talks for a second before putting a shot in both hips that should make me not pregnant anymore. 

I know there should be no guilt, but there is. And while I'm sad, I'm a survivor. The cramps are pretty horrible and will get worse as the baby detaches itself from the tube. I have to continue to go to the dr to have my HCG levels checked. If they don't decrease appropriately I'll get another round of shots. 

I was up a few hours last night reading everything I could about eptopic pregnancy. I'm over 35 which makes the risk higher. 

Did you know that once you've had one eptopic pregnancy you are at greater risk to have another and have to be monitored from early pregnancy. You can have a harder time getting pregnant after an eptopic pregnancy. That's right. It decreases for whatever reason.  

As I lay here in the bath, that's correct I'm writing this from my warm bath that helps the cramps some, I'm trying to look at this scientifically. I'm trying to leave my heart out of it. I've read so many other women's stories, and I've thought oh poor so and so. But I knew in my heart it'd never be me. And if was me, I'd know that it was a malfunction and it's no big deal. And now that it is me, I don't know how I feel. I know our bodies are amazing. With miscarriage it's generally because of a chromosome issue. I know it's doing what's best for us. 

I honestly wanted the dr to tell me this baby still had a chance. That if I did XY&Z I would be bringing this kid home the last of May all snuggled in my arms. Life doesn't work out like that. 

Brent gave me a blessing last night. It reminded me I had to be grateful for what I have. I am grateful. I love being a mommy. I love it so much that I'm excited to add more kids to our family. And I also know it's okay to mourn this baby that I wanted so bad. We'll wait the appropriate amount of time before trying again. I'm not sure how much time that is. I haven't got to talk to my OB yet. Dr google says that after taking methotrexate you have to wait 3 months or if I have to get a 2nd round next week, we'll have to wait 6 months. Then there is the research about how long to wait after an eptopic, many say 6 months. I'm anxious to hear what my dr says. 

I guess it goes to show, no matter how much planning you do, life just happens. Sometimes it happens beautifully and sometimes it's messy. But it's still life and it's worth every bad to understand the good. So while today I'm cramping and sad and bleeding, I'm also so incredibly thankful for all I have. I'll mourn the chubby cheeks and 10 little toes. I'll think of the little boy or little girl that I had so imagined and planned for. But I'll also remember the 6 sweet cheeks that I have tucked into their beds. I'll count their sweet chubby fingers. I'll be happy and I'll be sad. I'll just be for now.