Sad day

Brent and I have been planning baby # 4 since last winter. We decided this summer/fall we would start trying for another little person. I decided this time I would have my body in better shape. I'd start taking all the prenatal vitamins 6 months in advance. I lost the weight from the previous 3 pregnancies, I started working out regularly. I was ready for this! I had figured if I had a May baby I would have all my kids birthdays spaced 3 months apart during the year. I was sad when it came and it went that I wouldn't have my May baby. Then I got the positive test and it would be June 3rd. And since I have c-sections, it'd be born the end of May. 

It felt pretty unreal when the test came back positive. I was a little skeptical and even more excited. When I told Brent, I said it with caution and said, though it may not work out. Then a week passed and I was still pregnant and felt better about it. Then a few weeks passed and I was confident in this baby. I was picking names and mentally decorating the nursery. 

Brent's parents came to visit and while they were here we were getting together with all my family. We thought we may let the families know that day, that day is today. But today we shared different news, not joyful news. 

I made the best pregnancy announcements ever. I had them in my online basket at Walmart to pick up in one hour  Thursday afternoon. Then I went to the bathroom. Bright red blood was streaked in my pants. It wasn't a huge amount so I decided not to worry about it. Then I went back to the bathroom and there was more. I texted Brent and went about my afternoon. My inlaws are here and I'm in the business of making visits enjoyable. But my heart was worried. I wanted this baby so bad. 

My dr's office was closed so I decided to wait and call in the morning. If it was a miscarriage there isn't anything to do at this point.  I slept anxiously waking up every few hours and going to the bathroom. 

Brent told his parents what was going on since I'd be going to the dr in jackson the next morning. I called and they said instead of coming in I should just go to the ER. I thought how ridiculous. I just want it confirmed so I can go be sad in my own bed. They didn't have an ultrasound tech in the office that day. I debated whether to go but decided I would. I went in and the 1st thing they did was try to listen to a heartbeat with a Doppler. There was no sound, at least not a baby heart beat. I feel the tears pooling but don't cry. The nurse assures me it's just too early to hear with a Doppler. They say they need a urine sample, then they come and take 4 vials of blood. Then I wait. It's freezing and the nurse brings me heated blankets. But for 1.5 hours I'm alone in my thoughts. They check in once and say the ultrasound shouldn't be too much longer but then I'm alone again. Brent had offered to leave the office, he had almost insisted on it but what could he do at this point. I told him to stay. 

The ultrasound tech finally comes to get me. They try a regular ultrasound and again I'm assured that at this early in pregnancy, 7 weeks, that it's normal not to see anything so they do a transvaginal ultrasound. I lay there completely uncomfortable and can't believe this is all happening. There were 2 techs in the room and they go get a 3rd. They finish up and I go back to my room. It was all perfect timing because as I waited for the dr to come tell me the inevitable, brent arrives. 

The dr comes in and says the baby is implanted in my tube close to my right ovary. And that he needed to call the oncall OB to see how to proceed. So I'm processing at this time that I have an eptopic pregnancy and start searching madly online if there is any chance this could be okay. I knew there wasn't but I had one last little bit of hope. When the dr came back in he said the recommendation for now was to get a shot of methotrexate to abort the baby. They say it's good it's caught early. If I wait it could burst inside my Fallopian tube and cause internal bleeding. I could have to have surgery, I could get seriously sick. I'm grateful brent is sitting beside me the entire time. We proceed and say yes to the shots. We wait a while longer and the nurse comes in. She talks for a second before putting a shot in both hips that should make me not pregnant anymore. 

I know there should be no guilt, but there is. And while I'm sad, I'm a survivor. The cramps are pretty horrible and will get worse as the baby detaches itself from the tube. I have to continue to go to the dr to have my HCG levels checked. If they don't decrease appropriately I'll get another round of shots. 

I was up a few hours last night reading everything I could about eptopic pregnancy. I'm over 35 which makes the risk higher. 

Did you know that once you've had one eptopic pregnancy you are at greater risk to have another and have to be monitored from early pregnancy. You can have a harder time getting pregnant after an eptopic pregnancy. That's right. It decreases for whatever reason.  

As I lay here in the bath, that's correct I'm writing this from my warm bath that helps the cramps some, I'm trying to look at this scientifically. I'm trying to leave my heart out of it. I've read so many other women's stories, and I've thought oh poor so and so. But I knew in my heart it'd never be me. And if was me, I'd know that it was a malfunction and it's no big deal. And now that it is me, I don't know how I feel. I know our bodies are amazing. With miscarriage it's generally because of a chromosome issue. I know it's doing what's best for us. 

I honestly wanted the dr to tell me this baby still had a chance. That if I did XY&Z I would be bringing this kid home the last of May all snuggled in my arms. Life doesn't work out like that. 

Brent gave me a blessing last night. It reminded me I had to be grateful for what I have. I am grateful. I love being a mommy. I love it so much that I'm excited to add more kids to our family. And I also know it's okay to mourn this baby that I wanted so bad. We'll wait the appropriate amount of time before trying again. I'm not sure how much time that is. I haven't got to talk to my OB yet. Dr google says that after taking methotrexate you have to wait 3 months or if I have to get a 2nd round next week, we'll have to wait 6 months. Then there is the research about how long to wait after an eptopic, many say 6 months. I'm anxious to hear what my dr says. 

I guess it goes to show, no matter how much planning you do, life just happens. Sometimes it happens beautifully and sometimes it's messy. But it's still life and it's worth every bad to understand the good. So while today I'm cramping and sad and bleeding, I'm also so incredibly thankful for all I have. I'll mourn the chubby cheeks and 10 little toes. I'll think of the little boy or little girl that I had so imagined and planned for. But I'll also remember the 6 sweet cheeks that I have tucked into their beds. I'll count their sweet chubby fingers. I'll be happy and I'll be sad. I'll just be for now.