Sad day

Brent and I have been planning baby # 4 since last winter. We decided this summer/fall we would start trying for another little person. I decided this time I would have my body in better shape. I'd start taking all the prenatal vitamins 6 months in advance. I lost the weight from the previous 3 pregnancies, I started working out regularly. I was ready for this! I had figured if I had a May baby I would have all my kids birthdays spaced 3 months apart during the year. I was sad when it came and it went that I wouldn't have my May baby. Then I got the positive test and it would be June 3rd. And since I have c-sections, it'd be born the end of May. 

It felt pretty unreal when the test came back positive. I was a little skeptical and even more excited. When I told Brent, I said it with caution and said, though it may not work out. Then a week passed and I was still pregnant and felt better about it. Then a few weeks passed and I was confident in this baby. I was picking names and mentally decorating the nursery. 

Brent's parents came to visit and while they were here we were getting together with all my family. We thought we may let the families know that day, that day is today. But today we shared different news, not joyful news. 

I made the best pregnancy announcements ever. I had them in my online basket at Walmart to pick up in one hour  Thursday afternoon. Then I went to the bathroom. Bright red blood was streaked in my pants. It wasn't a huge amount so I decided not to worry about it. Then I went back to the bathroom and there was more. I texted Brent and went about my afternoon. My inlaws are here and I'm in the business of making visits enjoyable. But my heart was worried. I wanted this baby so bad. 

My dr's office was closed so I decided to wait and call in the morning. If it was a miscarriage there isn't anything to do at this point.  I slept anxiously waking up every few hours and going to the bathroom. 

Brent told his parents what was going on since I'd be going to the dr in jackson the next morning. I called and they said instead of coming in I should just go to the ER. I thought how ridiculous. I just want it confirmed so I can go be sad in my own bed. They didn't have an ultrasound tech in the office that day. I debated whether to go but decided I would. I went in and the 1st thing they did was try to listen to a heartbeat with a Doppler. There was no sound, at least not a baby heart beat. I feel the tears pooling but don't cry. The nurse assures me it's just too early to hear with a Doppler. They say they need a urine sample, then they come and take 4 vials of blood. Then I wait. It's freezing and the nurse brings me heated blankets. But for 1.5 hours I'm alone in my thoughts. They check in once and say the ultrasound shouldn't be too much longer but then I'm alone again. Brent had offered to leave the office, he had almost insisted on it but what could he do at this point. I told him to stay. 

The ultrasound tech finally comes to get me. They try a regular ultrasound and again I'm assured that at this early in pregnancy, 7 weeks, that it's normal not to see anything so they do a transvaginal ultrasound. I lay there completely uncomfortable and can't believe this is all happening. There were 2 techs in the room and they go get a 3rd. They finish up and I go back to my room. It was all perfect timing because as I waited for the dr to come tell me the inevitable, brent arrives. 

The dr comes in and says the baby is implanted in my tube close to my right ovary. And that he needed to call the oncall OB to see how to proceed. So I'm processing at this time that I have an eptopic pregnancy and start searching madly online if there is any chance this could be okay. I knew there wasn't but I had one last little bit of hope. When the dr came back in he said the recommendation for now was to get a shot of methotrexate to abort the baby. They say it's good it's caught early. If I wait it could burst inside my Fallopian tube and cause internal bleeding. I could have to have surgery, I could get seriously sick. I'm grateful brent is sitting beside me the entire time. We proceed and say yes to the shots. We wait a while longer and the nurse comes in. She talks for a second before putting a shot in both hips that should make me not pregnant anymore. 

I know there should be no guilt, but there is. And while I'm sad, I'm a survivor. The cramps are pretty horrible and will get worse as the baby detaches itself from the tube. I have to continue to go to the dr to have my HCG levels checked. If they don't decrease appropriately I'll get another round of shots. 

I was up a few hours last night reading everything I could about eptopic pregnancy. I'm over 35 which makes the risk higher. 

Did you know that once you've had one eptopic pregnancy you are at greater risk to have another and have to be monitored from early pregnancy. You can have a harder time getting pregnant after an eptopic pregnancy. That's right. It decreases for whatever reason.  

As I lay here in the bath, that's correct I'm writing this from my warm bath that helps the cramps some, I'm trying to look at this scientifically. I'm trying to leave my heart out of it. I've read so many other women's stories, and I've thought oh poor so and so. But I knew in my heart it'd never be me. And if was me, I'd know that it was a malfunction and it's no big deal. And now that it is me, I don't know how I feel. I know our bodies are amazing. With miscarriage it's generally because of a chromosome issue. I know it's doing what's best for us. 

I honestly wanted the dr to tell me this baby still had a chance. That if I did XY&Z I would be bringing this kid home the last of May all snuggled in my arms. Life doesn't work out like that. 

Brent gave me a blessing last night. It reminded me I had to be grateful for what I have. I am grateful. I love being a mommy. I love it so much that I'm excited to add more kids to our family. And I also know it's okay to mourn this baby that I wanted so bad. We'll wait the appropriate amount of time before trying again. I'm not sure how much time that is. I haven't got to talk to my OB yet. Dr google says that after taking methotrexate you have to wait 3 months or if I have to get a 2nd round next week, we'll have to wait 6 months. Then there is the research about how long to wait after an eptopic, many say 6 months. I'm anxious to hear what my dr says. 

I guess it goes to show, no matter how much planning you do, life just happens. Sometimes it happens beautifully and sometimes it's messy. But it's still life and it's worth every bad to understand the good. So while today I'm cramping and sad and bleeding, I'm also so incredibly thankful for all I have. I'll mourn the chubby cheeks and 10 little toes. I'll think of the little boy or little girl that I had so imagined and planned for. But I'll also remember the 6 sweet cheeks that I have tucked into their beds. I'll count their sweet chubby fingers. I'll be happy and I'll be sad. I'll just be for now. 

Dear Nolan, Mommy loves you!

Dear Nolan,

It's hard to believe another year has passed and you are 2 years old! Wow is all I can say. You are such a fun little boy. You have brought so much joy into our family and we all love you so much. You are quite the character. You claim to be a daddy's boy but you only want mommy. You currently love the show paw patrol. Mimi introduced it to you this summer and now we have the action figures, dvd's, plush toys, and books. It's the 1st show you've shown interest in. Your favorite foods are fruit snacks, Nutella and popcorn chicken. But in all honesty, you will eat just about anything. 

We have just started potty training you and so far you have really impressed us. If you go "potty" you get some Nutella and apparently Nutella is a strong motivator. 

You don't realize you're younger than Elijah and Madelynn. You keep up with them well. Elijah started pre-k full time this month and you love playing with Madelynn. You two play so well together. Then this week Madelynn started pre-k 2x a week. You haven't liked that as much and you ask for her all the time. I think the 1st day we just starred at each other until nap time then went to pick them up. You were so excited to see them! I love your cute personality. You make me laugh every day. 

It's hard to imagine you not in our family and I'm glad I don't have to. I'm so grateful Heavenly Father sent you when he did. It wasn't easy having 3 little ones but the joy has been immeasurable! I love listening to you pray! After prayer we often times out are hands in and say 1,2,3 Adamson's!  You love it and initiate it most of the time. 

You love playing with Star Wars and already know more about it all then mommy does! You love when daddy wears the Darth Vader mask and calls himself Darth Daddy. You like to wear it too.  You also love to play with cars. You have such a big imagination. You flew through the kitchen like superman. 

As a mother it's hard to adequately explain how much you love your children. But I love you big. The day you were born I knew you were special. And I know without a doubt you'll go on to do incredible things. You'll bring joy to so many people. Always remember what is most important. It's easy to get sidetracked at times. Keep the course. I love you. I am proud of you. I love being your mom. I love watching you learn and grow. You are truly sunshine on a cloudy day. 
Love your mommy!

Dear Nolan Love Mimi and Grandpa

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Grandpa, Mimi, and Bryant all wish you the very happiest of birthdays!  We can’t believe you are ONLY turning 2 because you try so hard to keep up with Elijah and Madelynn and you do a good job.  J But we love what an energetic and happy 2 year old you are. You often bring a smile to our faces.

         We were so excited when we discovered that you and your family were going to spend Christmas 2015 with us in California.  This would be your first time to do that.  You had grown so much since summer when you couldn’t even walk.  Now you were walking and running everywhere!  In fact, one of your favorite things to do was take a walk with Grandpa through the orchards.

Christmas was very fun.  Santa found all of you kids here at our house.  I think he loved the cookies and milk you left for him.  You loved the Star Wars light saber we gave you for Christmas.  Christmas morning was magical as we all exchanged presents.  You got to meet some more family members as your cousins, Hana, Fiore, and Blume Boatman came over with their mom and dad.  All 6 of you children had a blast playing together and sharing each other’s new toys.  You especially liked it when Aunt Ale gave you a full body massage.  We had never seen you be so still and quiet!

One thing you discovered on this trip to our house was our refrigerator covered in magnets.  You loved playing with them and rearranging them!  Even after you left, we found magnets in all kinds of funny places.

A few days after Christmas we went out to Stout Farm to ride their horse Roscoe.  You were a little too small to try it but you did like petting him and watching Elijah and Maddie take turns riding him.

We were so happy that we were able to go to Auburn, CA so you could visit Grandpa and Grandma Adamson.  They were delighted to see you and you helped pick lemons off their tree.  You liked walking and running up and down their hill.

We all stayed up late to celebrate New Year’s Eve at our house.  We had party hats and horns and we toasted the New Year with light-up glasses of sparkling apple cider.  Even then, you thought you were one of the big kids!

We had to wait until summer to see you again in person. But we always enjoyed seeing your antics when we skyped each week.  We loved to sing with you and watch you get so passionate as you sang, “I will go, I will do the things the Lord commands!”

Your family drove out to California to visit us in July.  It was a super long trip but we were glad you made it safely to Hughson.  Your daddy had to fly back to TN to “make the money” but we had a campfire and made s’mores before he had to go home. The next day the rest of us celebrated the 4^th of July with a barbecue and fireworks.  The next 2 weeks were filled with all kinds of fun. You, Elijah, and Madelynn had fun playing in the swimming pool.  I can still hear you yell, “Cannonball” as you all made big splashes. You loved to play with the water table or eat lunch on the new picnic table you helped Grandpa assemble.  You rode your cars around the yard and dug in the dirt. You drew chalk pictures on the sidewalk.  One of my favorite memories was reading stories to you all. You also liked playing Candy Land Bingo with me.

We loved how much you could talk to us.  Some of your favorite phrases were:  “I hold it!”  “Wata.” “My turn. My turn!”  “I got it!”  “Star Wars!”

On Monday, July 11, 2016 we went to Manresa State Beach to celebrate my birthday.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  You loved the water and playing in the sand.  We had a great time together.

On July 14^th we also celebrated your Mom’s birthday with a Paw Patrol party.  You kids had started watching the TV show and loved the rescue dogs.  We decorated the house, Grandpa barbecued chicken for dinner, and then we played games.  We had to put the badge on Chase the Police dog.  We all laughed as we tried to do it blindfolded.  We had strawberry shortcake and your Mom blew out the candles.  Then she got to open her cards from all of us.

We decided we were having so much fun with all the summer birthdays that we had an early party for you too!  We played games, and had some more cake and you blew out your 2 candles!  We gave you one of your presents early and you really liked it…so did Elijah and Madelynn!  It was hard to share.  L  The horse was not meant to ride but we could not convince you of that.  You had fun trying!

It was time for your family to drive to Boise to visit some of your cousins but we made plans to meet you in Utah for your cousin, Kasette’s baby blessing.  While we were in Utah we got to go to Temple Square with you.  You loved seeing the statue of Christ in the Visitors’ Center.  You favorite thing to do was throw pennies in the fountain at the Seagull monument. 

On Sunday, July 24^th all of our family was together for Kasette’s blessing.  We were so glad that your Daddy had flown back so he could be in the blessing circle. Our last time together was a Monday morning breakfast at Ihop.  It’s always hard to say goodbye!  But we plan to come visit you in October.

We are so glad that you are part of our eternal family!  We love you forever and ever, dear Nolan!  Happy Birthday!

Love, Mimi, Grandpa, & Bryant

August 18, 

    2016

Happy birthday Madelynn love Mimi and grandpa

Happy 3rd Birthday, Madelynn!

We are so excited to wish you a very happy 3rdbirthday!  We are so glad that you are part of our family.  You have brought so much fun and love and happiness into our lives!  It has been so exciting to watch you grow from a toddler to a little girl.  Each week as we skype with your family, we have enjoyed listening to your sweet songs and see your imagination at work.

This past summer (June 2015) we were especially glad that you and your whole family were able to come visit us.  Grandpa and I could hardly wait.  We were busy buying special surprises and preparing for you to come spend several weeks with us. When you all safely arrived, the fun really began. Like every little girl in America, you loved the movie Frozen with Elsa and Anna.  So you loved the Frozentreasure chest we gave you filled with Frozen dolls and toys.  You also loved the Frozen sleeping bag we got you to sleep in and the Frozen dishes you ate on. 

You got to go to Disneyland with Elijah, Mom, Dad, and Julie while Grandpa, Bryant, and I watched baby Nolan.  You loved your first trip to Disneyland and we were so happy for you.  You were one very cute little Minnie Mouse in the dress that your Mommy made for you!  

After your family returned to Hughson, weenjoyed playing outside and swimming in the pool or playing with the water table.  You liked to dig in the dirt and help grandpa get wood for our campfires.  Many nights while you were visiting, we had a little campfire and roasted marshmallows.  You loved the marshmallows! 

We had a very fun family home evening where we fished in the living room.  On the back of each fish was a number and we either had to sing a song, or read a scripture, or you and Elijah passed out hugs and kisses.  It was so much fun! During our second family home evening, we played a match game with pictures of all of our family members.  At our last FHE we played games and fished again and then decorated Twinkies to look like minions.  Such fun!

It wouldn’t be summer without trips to the beach and to Calaveras Big Trees.

After we spent a fun day at Manresa Beach, we stopped by Casa de Fruta for dinner.  We got to ride a train and a Merry Go Round as well as play near a pond.  You wanted to chase the peacocks a bit because they were so pretty.

On the way to the Big Trees we sang “Follow the Grandpa, he knows the way…” Aunt Becky was with us and after our picnic, we hiked through the Big Trees.  You especially loved running in the mountains.

During your summer visit we celebrated 4th of July, Mimi’s birthday, and your Mommy’s birthday. And then it was time to say goodbye.  We hate those goodbyes and wished that you lived closer to us!

But this year we had a BIG SURPRISE when your Mommy and Daddy said that they were bringing all of you back to California for Christmas!  That was the best present ever.  We loved celebrating Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as a family.  We loved acting out the Christmas story with you playing the part of Mary, the mother of Jesus.Elijah played Joseph and you two were so cute.

Christmas morning Santa had left you a lot of hee-haws and it was so fun to see you name all of them.  You had fun getting to know your second cousins, Hana, Fiore, and Blume Boatman who also came for Christmas this year.

One of the most favorite things we did with you while you were here visiting for Christmas was to take you out to the Stout Farm and let you meet their horses.

You and Elijah both got to ride Roscoe the horse for several trips.  You were so excited to get to do that.

While you were visiting, Uncle Bryant gave you a lesson on how to shoot a BB gun.  You even hit the target.  Aunt Julie helped you and Elijah make a gingerbread house. You enjoyed all the attention from your family.  We sure do love you so much, Maddie!  You make our hearts so happy.

Another fun memory of your Christmas visit was to celebrate New Year’s Eve.  We played games including Pie Face which you totally loved.  You have such an adventurous spirit.  That’s a good thing as long as you also use your good brain!  Ha ha! Anyway, at the end of the evening we had sparkling apple cider and we were all toasting each other and saying, Happy New Year!

 

You didn’t quite get what we were saying, so you went around to everybody and wished them, “Happy No Hair!” We all had a great laugh because if you looked around at all the men in the family, you could see that they all had a bit of a problem with no hair!

Bright and early New Year’s Day you all flew home to TN.  We miss you as always!

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I hope you can tell just how loved you are, Miss Maddie! You have a very special place in our hearts!

Love, Mimi, Grandpa, and Uncle Bryant ~~ Feb. 2016

Madelynn, you are 3!!!

Dear Madelynn,

Another year has passed and you are 3 now. The time is passing quickly. Seems like just yesterday you were pulled from my womb and screamed a scream to let the world know you are here. You still like to let the world know you are here!

We are so happy you came to our family. You have brought mounds of joy mixed with frustration this year. You are a silly girl and love your brothers. You also cry a lot. I'm hoping this is a stage you are gradually outgrowing. The tears flow and the drama is big. We can blow you a kiss from across the room and it makes it all better. 

You currently love horses! You love to look for heehaws as I drive. And you love to ride horses. I'm okay if that is an interest you keep forever. 

You play with dolls and barbies but are also a Jedi in training. You love to play with the farm toys and to build with blocks. You play well by yourself and I love seeing your imagination. You are fearless! Even when Elijah won't do or try something, you do. I love your sense of adventure!

You are amazing little lady who I am loving to watch grow. As a mother, and one day you will be one too and will understand, you want the world for your children. You want to give them experience. Sometimes though, these experiences are hard but they help you grow. Most of the time as a mom I want to step in and shield you from all hurt, disappointment, sadness. But I can't, because you need these things to grow. 

But I can promise you I will always be by you. I will always love you and try my hardest to buffer the bad parts. I'll cuddle you when you need cuddling (even when you think your too old I may still try and to sneak a cuddle or 2), I'll hold your hand when things are scary, and I'll laugh with you on this adventure of life.

I love you Madelynn Rochelle. You have stolen a piece of my heart that will always be only yours. You are amazing daughter of God with potential. I see so much potential in you. It's hard to imagine you being older but I know as you do you'll touch so many people in a profound way. Always be kind! You don't have to be friends with everyone but you do have to be friendly to everyone. Love big, give your all. It's the way we do things. And most of all, remember mommy and daddy love you. You have Heavenly Parents who love you. Something that has always given me comfort is the knowledge of this love. That They not only love me but They also know me and my needs personally. 

When life is tough, pray. When life is good/easy, pray! 

I love wish I could express in writing my emotions. They are too big to capture here. I love you dear sweet Madelynn. 

Love,

Mommy