Dear Maddie, you are 2

My dear sweet Maddie girl, 

You turned two today and wow what a whirlwind it has been. You are a little tornado! And a very dramatic girl. I guess I should call you passionate instead. You are very strong willed. I guess the quote, though she be little, she is fierce, was written for you. I can't tell you how many times a day we have to say, oh Maddie.  You love people and say hi in the sweetest voice whenever we pass people. You win them all over quickly with your sweet voice and deep dimples. 

You currently love love love frozen. You can sing almost all the song lyrics. You love Elsa! It's fun watching you watch it. You get really involved and say oh no. And look at me like you are surprised every time. You also started watching toy story 3 a lot lately and really like it. 

Your favorite tv shows are superwhy, jake and the never land pirates, and the old mickey mouses. 

You love running in the house in your superhero cape. You are really daring at this age. It's so different from elijah. He's always been so cautious but you jump right in. 

Speaking of your brother, you 2 fight constantly! But every time you wake up you say, where's elijah and start calling his name. Also if he gets put in time out you think you must go too. You 2 really are best friends who drive each other crazy! And then of course there is Nolan. You love Nolan. I need to tape the way you say his name. You use a different voice for him. You love to play with him and cuddle him. He likes to pull your hair and since you are 2 you generally get really upset about it. You say, no no Nolan. 

If your personality now is any indication for the future, your teenage years might be tough but you'll be a strong woman. And while raising strong willed kids can be a challenge, I love knowing you'll be a strong willed adult. In life, you'll learn, you have to be a go getter! And I think you will be. 

As I sit here watching you doing your puzzles there are so many things I hope for you. And of course because I'm your mother I worry about you too. I want you to have everything good your desire! I want you to grow into the wonderful amazing woman I know you are intended to be. I want you to be courageous when it's hard, and it will get hard. I want you to stand up for yourself and be kind too. You currently love learning, I hope you excel in your education. You are so stinking smart. 

Maddie you amaze me! I love you so much. You are the sassiest sweetest smartest girl I know. I'm so blessed to be your mom. You are my sunshine!

I woke up to the most amazing Valentine gift ever. Brent wrote me a 5 page letter. How did I get so lucky! He not only provides for us, helps with the kids more than any man I know, but he knows exactly what I need to hear. I am blessed. 

Elijah

Elijah is a funny kid. He makes me smile all the time. 

This morning Brent was telling me about a dream he had. In it he was saving friends in a lake and had super powers. He was able to control the water. After his story elijah said, why you do that? You saved all those people and moved the lake. We tried to explain to him that it was a dream, it didn't really happen. Elijah just kept asking questions. He wouldn't even ride to church with me because I'm not a superhero and daddy is. 

While the sacrament was being passed I was telling him that those who bless and pass the sacrament have the priesthood and daddy has the priesthood too. He asked where the hold it and I told him in their hearts. I told him when he's older that he'd hold the priesthood too. He said yea, then I can move lakes like daddy. 

So elijah thinks that priesthood holders are superheroes. 

Church

Lately I've a bit of a hard time liking my outward self. I've gained too much weight and I'm very aware of it and sensitive about it. I also realize that one or Satan's greatest tools is to make us feel bad about ourselves. Today at church after sacrament, one of the sisters stopped me and said the nicest thing. She said her and her momma rarely talk about people but I recently came up in conversation and they both think I'm beautiful. I know it's trivial and maybe not important, but in that moment it was exactly what I needed to hear. It not only lifted me up but it reminded me of my Heavenly Father's love and awareness for each of his children. I'm a blessed lady. 

I love church so much. I always leave lifted up. The primary children are amazing and I love learning from them each Sunday. They are amazing! #feelingblessed

The most honest post

I don't post often but I feel like I have to write this, as writing has always been very therapeutic for me. So here goes the most honest post I could post today. 

Last week I took elijah in for his 3 year old well child visit. I had concerns going in about his general health and also about his speech. As I conveyed these concerns to the PA she looked at his chart and said, if he's been sick so often, why haven't you brought him in. I kindly told her I don't bring my children in for every cough, fever, or stomach issue because there is nothing that can be done when they are so young. Before she had the chance to tell me all is, I told her while I'm sure all is fine, I'd like them to do some bloodwork and rule things out. She then asked elijah to draw a circle for her. He refused and then she asked him to count some crayons she got out. He refused again. Elijah is painfully shy. And he doesn't really know how to express his shyness so it usually comes off as anger. It's not my favorite thing but I am aware it's because he's uncomfortable in situations. The PA said not only do we need to refer him out for speech therapy but also to an OT for his fine motor skills. She also said he was socially behind. I don't even know what that means. Side note: He can draw a circle and he can count. 

I'm not sure why it hit me so hard, but I suddenly have felt like a failure as a mother. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Maybe I was selfish to have kids so close together and it's made me not work with my kids as much. Maybe I'm lazy and tired and let them watch tv more than I should. So right now I'm just sad. And I don't know how to express it. And I'm not sure how to fix it all. 

I can understand 85% of what he says. I thought others could understand 50% but his church teacher yesterday said she can't understand a single work. I'm crushed.  

On top of that I'm fatter than I've ever been and while I want to lose weight I want to eat that damn cookie too because it taste good and makes me feel happy for the 3.5 seconds it takes to gobble it down. 

Well elijah just walked upstairs and asked why I'm crying. I said, because I'm not sure if I'm a good mommy and he said, you are a good mommy. Then he said he needs to eat. So I guess I'll stop the self loathing party and get back to my job. 

But I do have a goal this year to stop comparing myself and my kids to others. And if you are someone who always compared I'll be limiting my time around you. Isn't one of satans greatest tools is making us feel unsure of ourselves. Well, off to make lunch.