Last week I took elijah in for his 3 year old well child visit. I had concerns going in about his general health and also about his speech. As I conveyed these concerns to the PA she looked at his chart and said, if he's been sick so often, why haven't you brought him in. I kindly told her I don't bring my children in for every cough, fever, or stomach issue because there is nothing that can be done when they are so young. Before she had the chance to tell me all is, I told her while I'm sure all is fine, I'd like them to do some bloodwork and rule things out. She then asked elijah to draw a circle for her. He refused and then she asked him to count some crayons she got out. He refused again. Elijah is painfully shy. And he doesn't really know how to express his shyness so it usually comes off as anger. It's not my favorite thing but I am aware it's because he's uncomfortable in situations. The PA said not only do we need to refer him out for speech therapy but also to an OT for his fine motor skills. She also said he was socially behind. I don't even know what that means. Side note: He can draw a circle and he can count.
I'm not sure why it hit me so hard, but I suddenly have felt like a failure as a mother. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Maybe I was selfish to have kids so close together and it's made me not work with my kids as much. Maybe I'm lazy and tired and let them watch tv more than I should. So right now I'm just sad. And I don't know how to express it. And I'm not sure how to fix it all.
I can understand 85% of what he says. I thought others could understand 50% but his church teacher yesterday said she can't understand a single work. I'm crushed.
On top of that I'm fatter than I've ever been and while I want to lose weight I want to eat that damn cookie too because it taste good and makes me feel happy for the 3.5 seconds it takes to gobble it down.
Well elijah just walked upstairs and asked why I'm crying. I said, because I'm not sure if I'm a good mommy and he said, you are a good mommy. Then he said he needs to eat. So I guess I'll stop the self loathing party and get back to my job.
But I do have a goal this year to stop comparing myself and my kids to others. And if you are someone who always compared I'll be limiting my time around you. Isn't one of satans greatest tools is making us feel unsure of ourselves. Well, off to make lunch.
3 comments:
Being a Mom is hard work! We want what is best for our kids and it so hard when everyone has an opinion. I look back on Seth's younger years and I miss them so much!!! He was so CRAZY and hard and I never thought I was doing it right. He wasn't a sleeper and he wasn't a great talker either. He wasn't shy though so no advice from this mom on that one. I just want to say you get better at being a Mom. Its hard to think of sam as my last baby because part of me is like but wait I just got the baby stages figure out! I am terrified of teenagers!! My 2 cents is you know your boy best when it comes to his health and development. I know that its hard being in a small town and your options are limited but get a second opinion. I have never thought that his speech was delayed at all! He is big for his age so he will often have people just expect that he should know more and do more. but that should be the case for the Dr. Anyway keep at it! your a fantastic Mom and your the best Mom for your Kids.
PS I started blogging again. More for myself I have missed it and I am excited to start again.
You are doing a great job. Your kids are well cared for and know they are loved and that's the most important thing. By kindergarten it'll all wash out.
TV won't rot their brains. One of my friends swears her kids learned all her letters and numbers from sesame street. Sarah only knows the letters in her name right now. Looks like we need to watch more sesame street.
Therapy is not blight against you as a mother. It's going to be a great benefit for Elijah. It'll give him time to work with another adult which will actually give him a leg up in school having practice of understanding these tasks when presented from someone in a teacher role.
And your primary teacher needs to shove it. I doubt she can't understand a single word. That was rude and hateful of her to say. She needs to listen harder to his tiny sweet voice. Especially since he is shy, that makes it all the more important for her to put her on her listening ears instead of her judging ears.
Post a Comment