I'm a relatively happy person. I have a truly blessed life. But here recently I've been having a hard time. I was on the phone with Nae and she said something about coming to love on my fat baby and I about lost it. I never want anyone to call any of my babies fat. After we hung up I realized I know my baby is chunky but I wasn't crying because of that but because I'm fat.
I gained 80 pounds while being pregnant with Elijah. And know while I say this I wouldn't change having Elijah. He truly is a blessing in my life. I gained 20 before getting pregnant so I put on a total of 100 pounds. I've gotten 45 off but leaves me with 55 pounds to go! That's a lot of weight. I work out 6 days a week for at least 45 minutes. I count calories and never go over. This post pregnancy thing has taken a major hit on my self esteem.
I have no clothes that fit and I refuse to even try clothes on because I'm afraid of what the size will be. But at some point I will need clothes to wear. I'm embarrassed for people to see me.
And something else that kind of ticks me off is when family tells other people who have just had a baby how great they look when they never once have said it to you. I know this all sounds like a whoa unto me blog but it's not. I'm really happy with the other aspects of my life. I am happily married. I love having Elijah as my son. Some day in the near future we'll have a job and will be able to buy a home. I have a blessed life. I'm just struggling. Brent has never been mean about it. He swears he can't tell, men!?!?!, but I feel so much less attractive. So, I have this constant battle with myself about more children. I want more babies, lots of babies, but I also don't want to destroy my body over and over and over.
Anyways, just having one of those days.....or one of those months/years.
1 comment:
Baby weight sucks, but your body will handle each pregnancy differently. With Sarah's I barely gained and lost it all by 6 weeks. (I know, you want to stab me.) With Cody's I gained 20 lbs in ONE MONTH while I was pregnant with him! And it wasn't even an important month when he was putting on weight. It was like month 2 before I was even supposed to be showing. I gained more with him and I haven't been able to lose it as easily. He's 6 months old and I just started seeing the number on the scale move last week and I've been working out since I was 2 weeks post partum.
It's all hormonal. I know it's awful and terrible and it sucks but until your hormones regulate and go back to their prepregnancy levels your body probably isn't going to let you melt off the baby weight. At least, that's what I've learned this go around. Doubly awesome is that when your hormones start regulating you also get those rocking post partum mood swings again. Fantastic!
But for what it's worth I thought you looked fantastic when I saw you at the movie.
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