Change

When first finding out I was pregnant, I knew things would change. I knew my body would change, that my emotions may run a little higher, that life would not be the same. I've known lots of pregnant people but for some reason I thought I'd be different. I've heard plenty of them say that being pregnant is not cute. I've always thought being pregnant was cute until now. And now I just feel extremely fat and ugly! I know some of this is because I gained weight prepregnancy but some of it is definitely the baby. When your clothes stop fitting, it's depressing. I can't imagine me ever posting a picture on purpose of the fat. I'm looking forward to the baby getting here so I can diet!
Then there's the fact that no matter how much I love Brent, he makes me nauseous. He is so kind and so understanding. He rubs my back ALL THE TIME, but sometimes it makes me feel worse and I have to ask him to leave the room until I'm asleep. It makes me feel like a horrible wife. I've always been a very affectionate person. I love touching but now....not so much. Kissing can only be done at certain times of the day. I also feel like a horrible wife because I haven't cooked for him in months. Touching food makes me feel so sick. Sometimes, just opening the freezer makes me throw up. And I don't keep our apartment as clean. I want too but it doesn't always happen. I have the time and I do a little every day but not tons. Like today I am doing laundry and I'll dust. Yesterday I vacuumed and did the trash.
And what about these crazy emotions. Like the other night I was lying in bed and all of sudden the tears came. Brent asked what was wrong, and I couldn't think of a single thing being wrong. I think I was crying because I didn't feel well. I'm so grateful to be married to such a wonderful man. I am a very lucky girl. With this being said, one day I cried because I was no longer single. That's crazy right, I was single for 29 years! During those years I wanted to be married. And then all of suddenly, I decide I want to be single still. Maybe I associated being single with feeling well, having fun, etc etc. How ungrateful was I? I'm crying now just from writing this. I remember when others were pregnant and they would complain to me, I'd say, "it's only 9 months of your life then you get a baby and a lifetime of joy and memories with that child." Renee reminded me of that the other day. I cried one day because I didn't want to watch what was on TV....I was home alone and could change the channel if I wanted too.
With all this being said, I'm glad I'm married! I'm glad I get the opportunity to be a mother. I try not to complain because I know plenty of people who want children and don't have them. I'm lucky that this baby will have Brent as a daddy. I'm lucky to have Brent as a husband. We are really happy. And I'm not as sick as I was, I only feel sick about 40-50% of the time.